Battles.

The emotions that come along with having triplets are a total roller coaster for me.  Every day lately (and for awhile now), it seems like I battle these feelings of "what if things were different."  It's not an attitude I want to have, and I know these thoughts are not always God honoring, but I still can't help but wonder sometimes what it would be like to have a 3 year old and just ONE baby at a time.  I'm not saying I don't want all these boys or that I don't love them to death, because honestly I couldn't be crazier about them!  But I think that's part of the problem.  I love each one of them SO much....each of their little expressions, funny babbles, adorable laughs, little tickle spots, and on and on, that I want to be able to soak up EVERYTHING.  And it's impossible with three.  It hits me most when I take one of them somewhere.  For example....I had to take Derek to the doctor for an ear check (double ear infection...no fun!) last week.  The doctor is not normally that much fun to go to, but let me tell you...I soaked up that alone time with Derek:  The way his little cheeks looked even chubbier smooshed underneath his winter hat, how he says "mommy, mommy" all day long.  When I'm alone with one, that's when I start to think, "what if..."  What if God had only given us one at a time?  Then I could have really loved on every one of these boys like a mama is supposed to do.  I feel like I LOVE being a mom so incredibly much, and I'm not getting to take advantage of all those fulfilling mom moments like I want to.  Sometimes at night I'll peek at one of the babies while they are sleeping and remember how I used to watch Tyler sleep all the time, but after about 30 seconds of standing still I feel like I could fall over from exhaustion, and remember the mound of bottles there is to be washed yet, or yet another basket of clothes to be folded.  My "love on these babies" moments always seem to be cut short or are non-existent all together.  It makes me sad. 

I realize a lot of things:  I know these babies are not suffering.  I know this is all they know and that they are probably having more fun than if I was staring at them and trying to snuggle them all the time (I still do kiss everyone CONSTANTLY.  That's one great thing about triplets.  You get 3x the kisses!).  They are having probably a more fun childhood than Tyler had, even though it's maybe less fulfilling for me.  This is not really about the babies.  It's a me thing....  I also know that these babies get the most important things in life:  love, food, clothes, parents with an amazing marriage, a great home to grow up in, etc.  I know that they have a more priviledged childhood than most babies in the world.  I also know that compared to others' struggles this is nothing.  I'm sad about having too many blessings to some degree, which I know is crazy.  I also know that we are incredibly blessed....beyond measure....and that God worked an amazing miracle just getting these three beautiful babies here and healthy.  And I'd still WAY rather have too many babies than not enough.  I'd take our situation any day.  But I still just feel sad about what I might be missing out on sometimes, too.

Really what it all comes down to is what I've been faced with since the day of our first ultrasound when we found out we were having three:  My expectations did not line up with God's will for my life, and it's a battle every day to overcome my own wants.  Right away when we found out, it was like I needed to mourn the loss of what I thought my life would look like, and I guess that's still continuing to some degree.  It's a good thing we have a God who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine....I know He is doing amazing things, and I know I am blessed beyond measure.  Now I just need to get over myself.  Again.